my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
