It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
