Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
