This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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