you didnt know i had herpes?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
