I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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