so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
