There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
