My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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