You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
