i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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