I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
