i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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