I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
