pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
did you just send me my own nude
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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