what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
home. puking in laundry basket.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize