I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say