My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.