all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
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............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....