I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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