if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
