you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
