I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
