why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
