It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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