why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
