if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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