This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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