there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
