We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
