my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
