People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
