Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
