so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
