i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Randomize
