i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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