I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
