I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
