I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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