i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
