ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
