Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
