Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
