I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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