Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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