I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
