You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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