Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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