sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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