Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
