so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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