The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
