life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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