Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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