i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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