what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
