he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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