i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not