i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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