You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
