Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
